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i hope you think this is funny

 
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slowdownrocket
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Joined: 26 Mar 2005
Posts: 1
Location: tucson, arizona

PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2005 1:49    Post subject: i hope you think this is funny Reply with quote

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are
Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God.
The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two
abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility
of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by
the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt.

Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation!
You have the power to be calm! !

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you???
Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of
Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Muslims, Christians or Hindus.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born
again,nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat, etc.. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups
with brains enough to understand the difference between political
belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of
terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap
so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions
of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring
fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have
carefully thought through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and
Require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion
was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will
require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough."
We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just
because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your
motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or
comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park.
Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except
in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the
World is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian.
There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested
that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists.
But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother
Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike
Without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be
coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.

Startling new underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens
declare themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of undeclared rationality.
People can still go to France, terrorist leader says.
Wink

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